The Light Dawns

For the last few weekends, I have imposed a work moratorium.  In doing so, I realized that giving myself the space to do other things or to do nothing at all stimulated my creative juices and also freed my mind to entertain "life thoughts."

In these moments of clarity, I had an epiphany.  I have stuck with my current job due in no small part to feeling that to leave it would be to waste the hard work of my parents, who gave me the foundation that let me later attend law school.  They wanted something more for me, especially my Dad.  He worked his whole life in a job I don't think he ever enjoyed and for which he was far overqualified, only to be laid off when the plant downsized 10 years before he was ready to retire.  But that isn't the epiphany.

It is this: for me, my current job is no different for me than my Dad's job was for him.  I am pretty sure that the feeling of dread in my stomach on Sunday night and each weekday morning, the stings inflicted by a certain jerk in the workplace and other indignities suffered in exchange for a salary are similar to my father's experience.  I realize my job offers many perks my Dad would have really appreciated.  But do those things matter when the psychic pain of achieving them is unbearable, causing severe weight gain, personality changes and thoughts of things even more serious than that?  I don't think so.

Realizing this made me feel free.  I feel free because I know my Dad would never want me to have these feelings or thoughts, no matter how great the vacations.  This isn't what he wanted for me.

So now the question is, what to do?  So begins my quest for a position with challenging and meaningful work, which may or may not require a law degree, and colleagues who are kindhearted human beings.  I'll keep you posted.

Oops

I have not actually restricted my practically dead blog to invited readers only.  Rather, a friend of mine recently began a blog, which is really good.  I decided to post a comment on her blog and realized after I did so that she and her other readers (some of whom are also my friends) would be able to just click on it and find my blog, too.  I have not told many "real life" friends about this blog, and wasn't ready to have my worlds collide in that fashion.

So, I temporarily restricted this blog while I figured out how to delete my comment and confirmed no link-skipping was possible.  That now feels like a lot of trouble for a blog that's practically dead anyway, but there you are.

When is spring coming?