Back to the drawing board . . .

I would hate to leave you with the impression that I have life sewn up in every area other than professionally, as that certainly is not the case! I have spent a lot of time this weekend thinking about what would bring me peace, if not total fulfillment, and two prime areas for work are my physical health and the health of my home. I'm curious about how much happier I could be at work if I was satisfied with other areas of my life.

Thoughts about my physicality came to the forefront in the last week, when I had a chance virtual encounter with a gorgeous 23-year old man. (Purely fun, not sexual, you must believe me--we traded photos of our environments on Photoswap, an iPhone app, and then found ourselves exchanging pics of handwritten notes, then texts, then phone calls). It supremely enjoyable and innocent and sleep-depriving all at once, given that he is a bartender working a schedule that is the precise opposite of what mine is (or should be). My feelings were mixed, however. I was pleasantly surprised at my ability to reach back to youthful playfulness while keeping him engaged as well. At the same time, I was brutally honest with myself regarding the fact that my physique simply is not that that a beautifully fit 23-year old man will find attractive. Anyway . . . apart from the delusion that a 23-year-old could be mine (ha ha), I know that I will be able to live more healthfully and happily and energetically if I shed these excess pounds and resume life as a fit person. I was inspired by my discovery of this woman's blog--check out these photos of her progress! Besides feeling inspired, I actually attended a yoga class today for the first time in forever, which was a great kick-off to making daily physical activity a habit.

The other area I will be working on is my physical environment at home. It is no secret that my house has needed a number of repairs for a while--porch leak repair, kitchen leak repair, etc. But during a recent spate of real estate browsing, I realized that while I love the potential in the spaciousness, porch and yard of my house, I want a simpler, more modern look. And today I realized that I can get that look with relatively simple changes--updated windows, dark stain on the light hardwood floors, replacing all the multi-paned French doors with more simple, modern doors, etc. I'm excited about these changes and can't wait for the upcoming meeting with my architect.

Here are some of my ideas:

Maybe this for the front door and something like this for the French doors out to the porch and (see below) patio off the dining room.

The hardwoods downstairs need refinishing in some places and I fear they are too worn down to refinish yet again. I have been admiring ebony-polished hardwoods and am thinking of changing this:



to darker floors, like this (yes, I see the comments about maintenance difficulties) or this.

Instead of these windows to the back yard from my dining room, I would like to install glass doors that open up to a newly designed stone patio with a pergola above it:



Just some beginning thoughts . . . I like the idea of clean lines that maintain the current charm of the house while updating it a bit, too.

Disappointment and Resolve

This week, I experienced a profound disappointment. I won't go into the details here, but suffice it to say that I reached for a professional brass ring and missed. Given my lack of religious belief, it is tough to convince myself that this was "meant to be" or is part of some "greater plan." If there is a bright side, it is that I decided I wanted something and took a risk to try to obtain it, giving it my all. You can't expect to win them all, and at least now I won't have to ask myself "what if."

But I am left at a crossroads, trying to decide whether to go after what I wanted in a different way. What I do know is that I am unhappy with the status quo and need to continue to think seriously about what it will take to find contentment.