Next steps: sharing the news!

So I have started sharing my new life plan with some close friends. They are all excited for me and have reinforced the notion of, "Why didn't I think of this sooner?" In a good way, of course! Trouble is, I'm now feeling like a variation on Billy Crystal's character in "When Harry Met Sally," in which he said, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Now that I know what I want to do with the rest of my life, or at least the next phase of my life, I want it to start right away. I was thinking this was a 1 1/2 to 2 year plan, but now it's looking like a 1 year plan, at the lengthiest. Whew--I can't wait!!

Other signs.

I noticed yesterday that my plan for a new life has added a certain lightness to my step. I was able to focus at work like never before, staying productive throughout the day. In recent times, my attention would wander and I would check out web sites of interest regarding news, progressive politics, etc. Yesterday, I just wanted to plow through my pile of work so I could finish it as soon as possible. I feel a calmness rarely experienced before. When I look in the mirror, I no longer appear ugly to myself. If I wasn't experiencing this personally, I would think it was all made up, like some "MIRACLE CURE!" But it's true. My entire world view is different right now. I need to live up to it!

First steps.

Today I took the first steps toward pursuing a dream . . . working to establish a financial launching pad for a cross-country move and a new job. I assessed my debts (not as bad as I would have thought), shifted as much as possible of this debt to low-interest credit cards and used most of my spare cash to cut the balance significantly. I should have the rest paid off shortly.

After two out-of-town trips in June, I will also be able to start socking away the cash and keeping my nose to the grindstone at work, in hopes of receiving a nice bonus this year that I can also invest. I think in the past I have spent money based on the thought that it was my source of happiness . . . now that I have this dream, I don't feel the need to spend on other things. In fact, I look around and feel as if I have more than I need, and an impulse to simplify. Even the weekend has made me feel rich with time, while other weekends have flown by so quickly. I planned out the things I need to work on this week so that my priorities will be easy to establish.

In other news, I joined the organization for which I want to work in two years. My goal is to know everything there is to know about them and their activities long before I apply. Today was a good start!

Amazing.

Two days after making the decision to do something different with my life, I am noticing some interesting changes in the way I do things. One is that I am no longer living only in the upstairs of my house. I was spending all my time in my bedroom (which certainly is a beautiful and spacious room), and almost none in the downstairs, where my living room, dining room and kitchen reside. I have no idea what this means, but there has been a marked change. Perhaps I realize that the future will be taking me away from this house I have renovated, which I truly love and of which I am very proud, and I am trying to soak up the moments in it--all of it--before leaving. I feel a bit wistful about that, but obviously this lovely house is not making me happy.

Another change is that on this lovely Saturday morning, I woke up and was immediately productive, taking care of many overdue errands without even a thought of putting them off. In the recent past, I could while away entire Saturdays paralyzed from actually doing anything of substance. Today--my first day back in town since making this decision--felt very different to me.

I know this decision is the right one. As I drove out in the country to retrieve my dogs from their kennel, I thought about what the future holds for me. The hopefulness I felt at the thought of doing these things that have been gnawing away at me--living in a different place and doing work that seems lasting and meaningful--was so profound that it brought tears to my eyes. Even my daily work seems so much more bearable now, with the knowledge that it is only for a time, and not for all time. I don't know why it took me until now to realize that the life I am living no longer fits me. But I'm glad I figured it out when I did.

Wisdom.

I also posted this on my other blog, lisaswanderingfeet . . . it merits the very rare double-post because I think this may very well be my mantra for the next several years:

There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. If you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and be lost. The world will not have it.

It is not your business to determine how good it is; nor how valuable it is; nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open.

You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You merely have to keep open and aware directly to the urges that motivate *you*. Keep the channel open.

No artist is pleased . . .
There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.

Martha Graham
Martha: The Life and Work of Martha Graham

My friend Jay shared this quote with me the other day. We were discussing my realization that my career is the source of the deep level of dissatisfaction that has been gnawing at me for some time. Now that I am working for a law firm I truly love, with people I truly like, I know it isn't the setting (at least, not this setting), but the work, which is at the root of this dissatisfaction. I like certain aspects of my work and have met some truly wonderful people through it, not the least of which are my clients. I feel blessed and continue to find an intellectual challenge after all these years. But I discovered recently that my work does not inspire in me the sort of soul-deep passion that leads one (okay--me) to relish to the tips of her toes the experience of placing Kerry-Edwards stickers on every kid she could find in North Little Rock, Arkansas.

I need to find that passion in something I do every day, something that has the added benefit of paying the bills and keeping my dogs fed. While I have toyed with the thought of a career change more times than I can count, I can tell that this time, something is different. Something inside me has shifted in a major way. The world looks entirely different to me this morning even though the view from my porch has not changed at all. Perhaps this is the kind of life-change that could only begin late at night in a hotel room in downtown Oklahoma City, when one's entire world view is somewhat skewed by the fact that she has spent five days shuttling between hotel and law firm conference room, seeing nothing but a brown and desolate downtown outside the windows. However it happened, I feel the most hope and vitality I have experienced in a long time.