I don't know how to get out of this rut I have fallen into. It feels like I'm about to embark upon a series of goodbyes . . . my grandmother's boyfriend, who is like my last living grandparent, my beloved dog Kip. Neither of these is imminent, but I can feel them coming and I deeply dread these losses.
Perhaps even more imminent, if less deeply emotional, is some sort of decision about my job. I am so incredibly bored that it is all I can do to get there by Noon each day. This results in me staying until Midnight and that isn't any recipe for having a life. I am having a very hard time focusing and it is hard to see an end in sight.
If it wasn't for my dogs, I think I would quit my job and head overseas somewhere to figure out what it is that I want and need. I know shouldn't use the dogs as an excuse . . . there is no reason one has to find oneself in Europe, to be sure. Here's the truth: I'm just afraid. To quote Freddy Rumsen from my beloved "Mad Men," "Without this job to go to every day, who am I?"
It's odd: between Facebook and other random events, lots of people from my past have been coming back into my life lately. I'm not sure why this is, but it is so prevalent as to seem not very coincidental. I don't know what this means, but hope it will become clear sometime soon. I have actually been a little afraid that it is the equivalent of a person's life flashing before her eyes just before it ends.
I needed to write this here, tonight. The tears I shed while typing provided catharsis.
30 September 2008
I am tiring of the struggle.
Posted by Lisa at 12:54 AM
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5 comments:
Lisa, I'm sad to hear about your grandmother's boyfriend and your dog. I hope you can keep your chin up through this.
This may not help you, but one thing I do when work is less than rewarding is to temporarily look at it as a means to an end - a way to fund the travels I love and do the things I want to do. Work eventually turns around, or I get the gumption to make a change in the meantime.
Are you still planning to visit LA? I look forward to meeting you; I'd like to pick your brain about the ACLU.
You are coming to the difficult part, the part where you have to be keep moving until it the path becomes clear. The threat of imminent loss makes it more difficult and appearances from the past make it more mysterious.
Breathe. Be kind to yourself. Cry, if that is what you need to do. But most of all, to echo your words back to you, be patient and open. The work you are doing for the ACLU and Obama will come back to you.
And come to Pittsburgh. I'll take you to a game.
Thank you, friends. Sincerely. Good advice from both of you.
Steve, I am still hoping to get to LA, if your town doesn't break my Cubs' hearts in the playoffs. Still haven't figured out the date, but I hope to soon. Will let you know, because it would indeed be great to meet.
Jenn, thanks for the invite! I will be taking you up on it one day, to be sure.
Big hugs to you. I, personally, hate ,loathe, despise this part of the journey...Oh, God..it's so hard. It just plain sucks. I am sending you prayers, that you might somehow find a reservoir of peace and self-love during these suck-assiest of days...I call them "The Plod": when nothing good is in sight, and it's only gray around you, and yet, you still have to keep going, keep going, keep pushing, for what? Book of Job stuff, for sure.
I hope you take time each day to do something for Lisa...cry. Hug your dogs close. Eat a hamburger and love every morsel. Call in sick.
Know that you are loved. And, yeah...come back to Chicago! The Aerobed awaits! :)I'd even let you have MY bed...that's how highly I think of you!
Hi Lisa, Better late then never in commenting. I hope you are feeling better.
You are too smart to sit around bored. It will drive you crazy.
I don't recall you have been to Europe in awhile. The dollar gained 10% against the Euro in the last month. My suggestion would be to head that way for awhile.
JD
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