I am tiring of the struggle.

I don't know how to get out of this rut I have fallen into. It feels like I'm about to embark upon a series of goodbyes . . . my grandmother's boyfriend, who is like my last living grandparent, my beloved dog Kip. Neither of these is imminent, but I can feel them coming and I deeply dread these losses.

Perhaps even more imminent, if less deeply emotional, is some sort of decision about my job. I am so incredibly bored that it is all I can do to get there by Noon each day. This results in me staying until Midnight and that isn't any recipe for having a life. I am having a very hard time focusing and it is hard to see an end in sight.

If it wasn't for my dogs, I think I would quit my job and head overseas somewhere to figure out what it is that I want and need. I know shouldn't use the dogs as an excuse . . . there is no reason one has to find oneself in Europe, to be sure. Here's the truth: I'm just afraid. To quote Freddy Rumsen from my beloved "Mad Men," "Without this job to go to every day, who am I?"

It's odd: between Facebook and other random events, lots of people from my past have been coming back into my life lately. I'm not sure why this is, but it is so prevalent as to seem not very coincidental. I don't know what this means, but hope it will become clear sometime soon. I have actually been a little afraid that it is the equivalent of a person's life flashing before her eyes just before it ends.

I needed to write this here, tonight. The tears I shed while typing provided catharsis.

A really great man died this week.

He was from Dallas. I think it's important to mention that, because sometimes I disparage Dallas here. Who would have thought that one of this country's greatest patriots and civil libertarians would be born here?

His name was Barefoot Sanders. The New York Times obit has many details that will interest you, but the one I always knew, from the moment I moved to this city, was that Judge Sanders spent years of his life working to make the Dallas public schools serve the needs of all students, not just the white ones.

Mazel tov, Judge.

This blog has not been abandoned.

But its owner is in Indianapolis, for a work trip and visit with friends. Will write again soon!

I will confess

that I was a little worried about Sarah Palin. But then I saw this video:



There is a reason this segment of her interview aired on September 11th. It is a total disaster! I had to watch a few times to be sure this wasn't a spoof video, like the one I link below. Most significantly, McCain wants to put someone a heartbeat away from the presidency who doesn't know what the "Bush Doctrine" is.

Good lord.

Leaked Sarah Palin video!

Right here:



Courtesy of Mandy Stadtmiller's site, staring Sara Benincasa.

So, you're still single?

I recently joined Facebook after what felt like years of pressure from my friend S (but probably was only months of pressure). While the site has been exactly the time suck I expected, it has also brought me in touch with long-lost friends I may never have otherwise stumbled upon, and that has been nice.

One of those newly back-in-touch friends is a guy from home who I dated the summer before leaving for college. We exchanged a few emails in the course of catching up and all was well until he asked this question: "So, you're still single?" I felt completely tongue-tied. It does show I'm single on my Facebook page, so I wasn't sure if he was just double-checking, or wondering if that means I'm not married, but dating someone, or if he was really asking why I'm still single or if I'm single now, but am divorced or widowed. I think it's most likely that he was just asking and didn't notice it on my profile, so I answered simply and with a joke. But I'm a little embarrassed that this was such a difficult question for me! Weird.

39

Ever since I started caring about my age, odd-numbered birthdays have been toughest for me. I'm not sure why. So you can imagine that this birthday is a doozy for me, given the combo of odd-numberdom and it being my last-thirtysomething year.

I had planned to do a good bit of work yesterday, but instead was quiet and thoughtful. I tried to live this rare day off as I hope to live the coming year: with kindness to myself and others and attention to what is needed most. Most of all, this year I want to build in time to think and listen to myself, as it is hard to do what is best when one does not make the time to know what is best.

I took the dogs for a morning walk at the lake, and they were delighted. Note to self: do this more often.

I finally joined Calorie King online again. It is a sane way of eating/exercise awareness that requires no meetings or point-counting whatsoever, and I just know it will help me reach my weight loss goal this year. I have already planned my exercise for the week on there and I will keep my plans! Now if only they will come out with an iPhone-friendly version, my life will be complete.

I saw a movie I wanted to see (American Teen-eh), ate some lovely sushi and listened to a Cubs loss. But I also planned a Cubs/grandfather trip that I am very much looking forward to for later this month, so there's that. This year's volunteer obligations have crowded out my typically fun travel schedule. More fun travel is in order.

And I read. This year must include more reading. For pleasure.

One thing I did not get a chance to do yesterday was take photographs. This has been on hold while I straighten out my photo storage and backup issues, but I must resume my photography dabblings soon, as I have missed that little Nikon.

So there it is. A roadmap for my year.

What was McCain thinking in choosing Sarah Palin as VP-wannabe?

This video actually reveals McCain's thoughts:



Via the site called "VPILF"

For a girl without television,

I'm awfully addicted to Mad Men. I think the course of our romance went as follows:

1. read New York Times story about Matthew Weiner, the creator of Mad Men
2. watch Season 1, Episode 1, of Mad Men online
3. buy all of Season 1 on iTunes, patiently waiting overnight for all of the episodes to download
4. watch all episodes on my iPhone, while driving, at work, at home, etc.
5. fall in love with Mad Men

So now my friends the Bs and I have a standing Sunday appointment to watch the show, which is nice, because I enjoy hanging out with them and this keeps us from letting weeks slip by in between hang-out sessions.

This week's episode rocked my world, and I can't wait to watch it again tomorrow! (I pre-purchased Season 2, so each episode is downloaded to my iTunes early on the morning after it airs.) This is one of those shows one must watch multiple times in order to catch everything.

Joe Biden: Our Nation's Next VP!!!

As the exclamation points indicate, I could not be happier about this choice by Obama. I love Biden's background and experience and am amused (though also sometimes anxious) about his directness. He scores higher on the ACLU scorecard than any of this year's other Democratic Party candidates (excepting Dennis Kucinich), with an 86% lifetime score and an even higher rating this year, when so many crucial votes relating to civil liberties took place. Although he voted in favor of the war in Iraq, he has repented in a way certain other candidates never did.

This will either be really wonderful (as in "Cubs win the World Series" level wonderful) or really terrible (as in "8 more years of Bush" terrible). But it won't be boring.

Want to know more about Joe Biden? Check out this Texas Monthly interview with him, before either Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton entered the Presidential race. You'll need to click the play arrow on the player to make the video start. (Via Burnt Orange Report)

For other reactions to the Biden choice, see Hope Reborn's excellent collection at Daily Kos.

From Politico, a "Joe Biden for Dummies" collection of background stories.

And my favorite of today's stories: a Washington Post article about Biden as the king of comebacks.

This is one of the coolest things I have seen in a while.

It's a senior thesis project in art school.

As with all of the cool things, this is via Kottke.

Sorry for the blog silence . . . Obama campaign demands + work.

"Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers."

From Eat, Pray, Love, by Elizabeth Gilbert, which I am now reading:

He showed me a sketch he'd drawn once during mediation. It was an androgynous human figure, standing up, hands clasped in prayer. But this figure had four legs, and no head. Where the head should have been, there was only a wild foliage of ferns and flowers. There was a small, smiling face drawn over the heart.

"To find the balance you want," Ketut spoke through his translator, "this is what you must become. You must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs, instead of two. That way, you can stay in the world. But you must stop looking at the world through your head. You must look through your heart, instead. That way, you will know God."

This passage struck me squarely in the face. I have found the practice of law to be a profession for which my perfectionistic attention to detail, analytical bent and thirst for justice are uniquely suited. However, I now believe the practice of law also brings out the worst aspects of my character and vanishes the best aspects of my character. I mean, how many people associate with good lawyers the following qualities?: adventurous entertaining free spirited independentstylish wacky (These qualities having been attributed to me by some friends in a silly Facebook application we enjoy).

Actually, on reading this, I realize that those characteristics would be highly coveted in a lawyer, as they suggest a person who takes creative approaches, someone with whom people might enjoy working, a woman who doesn't take herself too seriously. Is it possible that I have been choosing to squash down my better instincts, in favor of the least attractive (and least successful) ones?

"I have crossed some line some place."

There is a line in one of my most favorite movies ever, Broadcast News, that has been on my mind lately: "I have crossed some line some place. I'm beginning to repel people I'm trying to seduce."

But for me, it doesn't stop there . . . I am repelling people I'm NOT trying to seduce as well. Since I began spending so much time alone, I have wondered if the few social graces I once had would suffer. And perhaps they have!

Case in point:

This past week, I was at my neighborhood Starbucks, inside, buying my venti nonfat latte. I returned to my car and saw someone had parked about 3 inches away from my passenger's side door. One of my pet peeves is people who are too lazy to park in a sufficiently large parking space, who instead park too close to the car next to them and leave a door ding. I walked around to the passenger side of my car to see if the person had left a door ding, and at that very moment, the person returned to her big-ass car. I tried to sound light as I said (to the very tiny woman), "I was just trying to figure out how you managed to park so close and get out of your car," and she basically looked at me, shook her head and snorted as if I was insane.

This is just one of many, many examples. I worry that I have a greater than average number of friendships that have ended in total silence. Is it possible that I adore Rainn Wilson's character Dwight on The Office because I am, like him, socially "awkward"? I fear I am no longer fit to live among other humans.

Please help me understand

why it is that China is permitted to host an Olympics, given their opposition to all we hold dear, in general, and freedom, specifically? As explained in this story, China has now revoked the visa of an American speedskating gold medalist because he has been outspoken on Darfur. So, after years of work, he will miss the Games. This follows China's going back on its promises regarding open access to the internet during the Games, es explained here.

I'm boycotting this Olympics, though they won't feel it, given my usual practice of non-TV-watching. But this feels like a cosmic joke on the universe, and that is all I have the power to do.

Things I should have done today:

1. Work
2. Get a pedicure
3. Organize my hard drive so I can get my photos caught up and backed up
4. Work out on the treadmill
   

Things I did do today:

1. Played with my Facebook page, spending time joining groups like "I judge you when you use poor grammar" and listing every book on my shelf as a have-read or -want-to-read on my "Bookshelf"
   
2. Listened to the Cubs game
3. Ate ginger lemon creme cookies
4. Moved all my songs to my iPhone
5. Searched for a reasonably priced first edition of Jerome Holtzman's "No Cheering in the Press Box"
6. Spent 25 minutes testing different first digits for the code of my Amazon certificate, because the first digit was worn off the receipt as a result of my carrying it around in my wallet for such a long time
   

Hmmm . . . maybe this is why I never get things done!

My favorite photo thus far from this Cubs season of 2008

This is Carlos Zambrano, Cubs pitcher. On his back is Mike Fontenot, Cubs backup second baseman, also known as "Little Babe Ruth." You can see why . . .

Photo by Nuccio DiNuzzo, Chicago Tribune.

UPDATE: Here is the story of this picture--it's part of an every-game routine.

Not much has made me laugh out loud lately . . .

. . . but this did:

Introduction

Hi, I just moved to Dallas from South Louisiana, and I was afraid that I wouldn't find any fellow Republicans to share my concerns and thoughts with. I am so glad to see that there is a group dedicated to those very things!

I have been perusing meet-up groups in Dallas and this was the post by a 30-something woman on the Dallas Republican Party Meetup Group site. She didn't think she would find Republicans in Dallas? That's like saying she thought the rodeo would be short on manure!

On a lighter note . . .

I bring to you this Justin Timberlake gem:

Timberlake
by bsap11

I cannot hold back any longer: DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO

Seriously. You will experience less pain if you pluck a fork from your cutlery drawer, heat it in the oven until it is very, very hot, dip it in jalapeno juice and then repeatedly poke yourself in the eye with it.

Last April, I bought a Sony Vaio notebook computer--the SZ440--that cost multiple thousands of dollars. I invested in portability and souped-up speed and memory so I would have a computer that travels well and would hold up under my frequent use.

Here's what I got instead:

• 10 months into my ownership of the computer, it experienced a sudden, completely unwarned, total hard drive meltdown (approximate time on phone with Sony about this: 4.2 hours)
  
• An onsite tech replaced the hard drive, but the data is still unrecoverable from the original hard drive
  
• just under 12 months into my ownership of the computer, the fan became freakishly loud and stopped cooling the computer (approximate time on phone with Sony about this: 1.2 hours)
• The onsite tech sent to repair the fan managed to somehow burn out the hard drive while repairing the fan, and was so incompetent he wasn't even able to reassemble the notebook without pieces bulging out of the back (approximate time on phone with Sony about this: 3.8 hours)
• Sony then insisted I send the computer to them for repair--they installed another new hard drive and, presumably, a fan, then sent the lemon back to me
• Less than 2 months after that repair, my laptop experienced its third hard drive meltdown
• Sony refused to permit onsite repair and insisted I send the laptop back to them--I wanted an exchange, but they said there was no way they would exchange it, so we wrangled over that topic for quite some time (approximate time on phone with Sony about this: 2.2 hours)
• I returned the laptop to Sony and--miraculously--they proclaimed after 2 days that they would exchange it for an SZ680. However, they have had my old Vaio for 10 days and haven't ordered the exchange computer, haven't shipped the exchange computer, haven't provided me with its specs, as I have repeatedly requested, and have not returned to me the hard drive from my old computer (so I can try to retrieve data from it, including the photographs of my mother's first major league baseball game and first trip to Wrigley Field) or provided me with any information on when I will receive it (approximate time on phone with Sony about this so far: 1.9 hours)

The lesson?

DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. DO NOT BUY A SONY VAIO. v

i am in love

Note: I'm sorry I have been absent . . . my Vaio melted down yet again and has returned to San Diego (yet again) for servicing. I will confess that at the moment of this latest meltdown, I had unclean thoughts regarding what I would do to Sony if it was standing in front of me. Not sexy unclean thoughts--the other kind. So here I am typing on my trusty "old" Vaio that--thank goodness--I kept as a backup. If I had not just dropped a ridiculous amount of money on the new Vaio one year ago, I would have already given up and purchased an Apple notebook. Anyway, I have been computer-impaired and am trying to catch up now. So, on to my new post:

***********************************************************************************

Not with a boy, silly! With my new iPhone! Yes, I have been freed from the chains of the Palm Treo, stepping into the light while blinking and wondering how to live on this other side that is free of technical errors, user unfriendliness, my phone dialing people from my purse at the precise moment when I am talking about them, etc.

I did not suffer through yesterday's craziness of the "Launch Day." I had an early (7:30 am--yikes!) doctor's appointment and afterward, thought I would just hop on over to the AT&T store and take my place in line. Yeah, right . . . so, seeing 80+ people in line at a tiny store that would not open for another hour and a half, I turned around, walked back to my car and drove to work. When I read about how Apple's system responded to thousands of new log-ons in 22 countries, I felt relieved that I had been spared that agony. But hearing that many stores would receive new shipments this morning, I thought I might see how my luck ran with a Saturday morning purchase attempt.

Despite my being an early-morning-challenged person, I sprang from my bed at 7:00 am today, dressed, popped into Starbucks and was in line at the AT&T store near me by around 7:40 am. I figured either there would be no one or I would have lots of company--I was wrong on both counts, as I was the third person in line. By 8 am there were 13 of us in line, and I'm guessing there were around 40 in line by the time the store opened at 10 am. Just before the opening, the store manager assured us that at that point, there were iPhones for everyone in line, so long as we did not want the white model. But I have jumped ahead in the story . . . here is the story of how my iPhone and I got together:

I had come prepared with a book to read: Ann Patchett's "Truth and Beauty," which I read and loved before and wanted to revisit. Concrete sidewalk notwithstanding, I thoroughly enjoyed the all-too-rare experience of uninterrupted reading time with no pressure to be somewhere else.

The store is in a strip mall near the lake, and its parking lot was really busy early this morning, with lots of people who had apparently taken part in a group walk or training run of some kind. I tried not to think about what it meant that I chose to be the person sitting on the sidewalk, in line to buy a phone at 7:30 am, rather than the person walking next to a beautiful lake. Some of the runners/walkers passing by looked at our line as if we were wild animals of a species they had never seen before, and others wished us luck at buying our phones.

Speaking of a different species, a 20-something girl wearing a hot pink t-shirt, jeans and metallic flip flops walked up just before 10 am and appeared confused by the line, and surprised she couldn't just walk into the store. She kept looking from the locked door to the line, and back at the locked door. Finally, she asked the first guy in line what was going on. He looked briefly stunned, then said, "The iPhone? We are all waiting to buy the iPhone." She gazed blankly at him, and it appeared she still did not understand but did not want to admit it. She paced back and forth a few times, then left.

Shortly before the store opened, an off-duty police officer arrived for his shift. He stopped at the front of the line and told us, "Now, I'm about to walk over to that doughnut store to pick up breakfast for these people, and I don't want any comments when I get back." We looked at him innocently and being the smart aleck that I am, I said, "What kind of comment could we possibly make in that scenario?" He laughed uncomfortably and we all tried not to look when he returned with a large box of doughnuts.

One woman joined our line with a baby, which seemed odd. Thankfully, the baby was relatively quiet. The guy to my right is apparently some sort of technology guy, as he told his friend who called from London that he had helped build the 3G network the iPhone uses. He also provided more than an hour of tech support to his London friend, sometimes so enthusiastically that I was forced to subtly plug my ears in order to maintain focus on the book I was reading. The girl to my left was studying for the MCAT exam; she had taken her parents to the airport at 5am and thought she might as well wait in an iPhone line because she was up anyway. A father and daughter duo to her left fetched their laptop from their car and watched a Transformers movie on it, with him seeming more intensely involved in it.

The MCAT girl saved a spot for me when, seeing all the spaces left by the departing walkers and runners, I stepped away briefly to move my car closer. But I needn't have asked her to do that, as everyone respected the sanctity of the line and one could freely leave and regain his/her spot at will.

And then, in the blink of an eye, I had been "pre-qualified" and let in the door. There were glitches in the cash register I was assigned to, but I was still out of there by 10:25 or so. Whenever I started to feel annoyed by the glitches, I dove back into my book.

The rest of the day?
(1) car wash/detail--badly needed
(2) Cubs game
(3) iPhone setup, which included an iTunes upgrade, the loading of unloaded CDs and downloading of 2000+ songs to the iPhone