36 years old, and still learning.

For the second time in two weeks, a very potent (prescription) drug is coursing through my veins. I hope it works this time; if not, I face surgery next Monday or Tuesday. The nature of the health issue that is the impetus for this treatment is both unimportant and not something I wish to write about here. But I find that after 10 days of dealing with this health situation, I feel compelled to write something about it, because the need to write here about the important things in my life has become a part of me that I simply cannot ignore.

I have already learned several lessons from this experience. One is that I can think of few times when I felt more alone than the moment when I heard my diagnosis with no friend, family member or significant other there to help me absorb the shock of it. And that after hearing the surprising diagnosis, my mind raced so fast that it was really hard to think of all the questions I should ask. I actually had to call a dear friend whom I thought might know something about this and ask her if there was something I was forgetting to ask--her answer was at once basic and brilliant: "When will I have the results of these tests back and will you call me or should I call you?" Even with her helpful advice, I was still left with a feeling of panic that I might have left an important question unasked.

I have also realized how lucky I am that, through 36 years of life, I have experienced very few health problems, certainly not serious ones (I don't think a broken nose due to nonawareness of the depth perception change caused by contact lenses counts). Now that the last 10 days have involved numerous tests and examinations and such, I simply feel fortunate that I have rarely had to worry about or make time for such things, and that I have good health insurance to cover the costs. Even without the associated financial worries, the situation has been very stressful for me. I bear huge admiration for people who come through this kind of crisis hampered by such worries, as well as the uncertainty and physical and emotional pain associated with being ill.

Finally, I realize how important it is to reach out to friends for support. Even though there is nothing they can say to make it better, I hear in their voices a genuine love and concern. I have only spoken with a few very close friends about this, because I do not feel strong enough to talk about it much and have been immersed in distracting myself with work. But those with whom I have shared the situation have really made a difference in my ability to deal with it.

This picture shows how I feel about the immediate future, until this problem is resolved--it is narrow and I can only focus on the few yards in front of me, but there is warmth and beauty beside me that I hope will see me through: