Lisa and the Boys

I will guiltily admit to you that I read this column, because it is what reminded me of a phenomenon I truly regret: the "married guys can't hang out with girls anymore" rule. I thought of this earlier today, while sipping a Sangria swirl with a view of a patio on which my buddies and I whiled away many a weekend afternoon after I moved to Dallas:



Weekends and even many week nights in my late 20's/early 30's were filled with outings with my dear guy friends. We helped each other move (okay, so they helped me move), took ski trips together and downed pitchers of margaritas on any number of patios on warm-weather days. We threw parties together. Retrieved towed cars together. Sat together on the hard metal bleachers at the old Arlington Stadium where the Rangers played before they got a pretty park. Took day trips to see the Cubs play in Houston. There was the time I tried to reward them for helping me move by cooking a lasagne feast for them--only to find that the oven in the house where I had lived for the past 6 months was not functional. Lots of stories.

In short, we had lots of fun adventures together, all while being platonic friends.

Then, about three years ago or so, it all began to change. I think J was the first . . . although (or perhaps because) he had been married and divorced young, he was a ringleader of our group, the guy who got his first tattoo while his car was being towed away, leading to yet another adventure we would reminisce about for years. But then J met K, a perky and resolute almost-divorced mother of young twins, and before we knew it, J was married and the father of two.

Not long thereafter, M married a woman who was also freshly divorced and mother of two young children. And M became an instant father, marrying a woman who thinks Dr. Phil is the best thing since sliced bread and that anyone who doesn't understand that must just feel that way "because you've never been married." (Yes, this is something she said to me while seated next to me at dinner one night).

It wasn't long after that before our buddy S took a transfer with his company out of state, ultimately ending up in California. There, he met the woman who is now his wife, and they were on the road to being parents even before their wedding, to which none of us were invited. I still haven't met his wife. I don't know much about her other than that she is liberal and is the kind of person who doesn't send a thank you note after receiving a really nice baby gift from an old friend of her husband's. I know that when I was recently practically in their neighborhood during a visit to San Diego, S wasn't allowed to come visit me, nor was I invited to visit them. I know that when S finally won our long-held Cubs/Red Sox/World Series bet (such a serious bet that it had been reduced to a contract) when his beloved Red Sox became the World Champions, he wasn't allowed to collect his prize--tickets to Opening Day the next season--even when I said that his wife was welcome to attend also.

I don't mean to sound bitter and I don't think I am bitter. The truth is, I am sad that our old gang has been broken up. I stay in touch with the guys sporadically and I know the guys stay in touch with each other a little bit, too . . . now more difficult with J having moved with his family to Virginia recently. But even for them, it isn't the same. And when they do get together, they have to label it a "guy's weekend" in order to buy the time. Because by virture of me being a girl, if I'm included, the wives argue that they should be included, too. The guys don't come out and say this, but I know that is how it is.

It makes me sad that we old friends--our gang--cannot relive the old days in a way which would not do any harm to any of their relationships. It is very hard for me to understand why we are not permitted to do that. I hope that if the day comes when I marry, I will remember this feeling and give my husband the space he needs to spend time with those who "knew him when," regardless of their gender.