An update from the trenches of depression

Just wanted to post a brief update. I'm sorry I haven't been posting more, but my attention has been turned so far inward lately that I have had little of interest to offer anyone, unless you are charmed by self-analysis mixed with serious mood swings.

I am perplexed by the level of unhappiness I am experiencing, because "on paper," my life is amazingly full. I should be on cloud nine given all the good things in my life, not the least of which are the rapid expansion of my responsibilities related to my favorite civil rights organization, recent work successes, my wonderful and supportive friends and the ability to indulge my beloved baseball and travel passions on a not infrequent basis. So why will I not permit myself to feel happiness, even taking action or inaction that seems destined to ensure my unhappiness?

This weekend, I read a book called "Living a Life that Matters" by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. After being immersed in his introductory chapters and their focus on integrity and the need to live a life that matches "who we are," I found myself skimming the passages about the Bible. I haven't completely given up on the idea of God, but the Bible does not feel to me like the place where either God or the key to unlocking this existential crisis may be found. I quickly realized that I do not need a book to know that the legacy I am creating right now is not the one I want to leave behind.

Sadly, it seemed as if I stumbled upon an epiphany--at least a partial one--while watching an old episode of my beloved Sex and the City series, in which Carrie accuses Miranda of being so judgmental that she simply cuts out of her life the people who disappoint her. It doesn't take a television critic to see that Miranda imposes those same exacting standards on herself, serving as her own worst critic. Surely, my life would be lighter and happier if I could loosen up, both on others and myself. I believe I have done that to some extent in recent months, but certainly not enough. I feel haunted and overwhelmed by the number of broken or simply faded relationships with family, friends and others who matter to me. The prospect of rebuilding those bridges is a daunting one, even if it is possible to do so, which I am not sure is the case.

Last night I caught up with my friend J. who, upon hearing a few anecdotes from my life over the last few weeks, insisted that I immediately make three (not just one--three) appointments over the next week with a trusted advisor who has helped me in the past. This may have scared me more than anything else that has happened recently, but it also gave me hope that J. thinks there is help to be found. I need to hope for that, too, as the foregoing clearly indicates that this is bigger than me.

Just musing . . .