Searching one's soul

Something happened last night that caused me to slow down and think. I can't talk about the specifics, but they probably are not that important anyway.

What is important is that before searching my soul, I had to locate it. I have never felt more out of touch with who I really am. I have never felt more out of control of my life. I have never felt more strongly that I must stop doing things that sabotage my effectiveness, happiness and well-being. Unbelievably, one aspect of last night's situation--running unexpectedly and improbably into an old friend who helped to make it so much better than it otherwise would have been--even made me seriously rethink my agnosticism. Miracles certainly will never cease.

I am not writing this so you all, kind-hearted people you are, can tell me not to be so hard on myself. In fact, I agree with you. One way to be less hard on myself is to stop doing things, or not doing things, that directly cause my life to be harder.

I spent all of today sleeping, thinking and freshening the one bit of the world I felt I had control over today: my bedroom/bathroom. I feel the need to slow down and do one thing at a time, think carefully and be true to myself. I will try very hard to do that during the busy work week, which is much harder than on a lazy, rainy Sunday.



Flower at Seattle's Volunteer Park Conservatory, by me, June 2007.