Goodbye to a Houston legend

R.I.P., Marvin Zindler.



If you didn't know him, you will not be sorry that you took a minute to read about him.

The Clearest View Yet.

Today I learned that my firm will not permit me to accept the expanded (but still volunteer) role offered to me by the statewide version of my favorite civil rights group. It was a flashy title and I feel so honored that they offered it to me. I wanted so badly to be able to accept. The reason the firm gave is a vague, bullsh*t version of "Not that I have any problem with [Your Civil Rights Organization], but gee, what if a client got mad about it?" It doesn't matter that the new role is, if anything, less visible than my current role--the title sounds important and relevant and that is all they needed to hear.

After my initial flash of anger subsided, an unexpected sense of peace came over me. I realized this makes my decision easy. It is not a decision I will act on tomorrow, or probably even next month, maybe not even within the year. But it is a decision that I now see as inevitable. I feel excited, not disappointed. This is what I am meant to do and if my firm has to (albeit completely unintentionally) push me out the door to do it, so be it. I am patient and focused and I now know that my dream is possible and I will make it come true.

Educational Video

Do you think this will help us educate people on their civil rights related to cop abuse?

Beautiful Flower

Focusing on the lovely parts of life . . .

Contented

The last three days have been a whirlwind. I spent two of them in San Antonio on business that included several very intense meetings. However, I stayed with friends there and had a lovely evening with them and their kiddos. Arrived home last night, to complete preparations for today. "Today" entailed a 6:00 a.m. visit to the office and a 7:30 a.m. flight to Lubbock, followed by a day's worth of deposition, from which I just returned.

Typically, this would leave me feeling exhausted and worrying about what awaits me at the office. But I feel calm, on top of it and satisfied that I have done solid work for my clients over the last three days. And while doing that, I have somehow touched base with the humanity I have felt was lacking.

As I'm fond of saying, these are baby steps . . . but important ones!

An update from the trenches of depression

Just wanted to post a brief update. I'm sorry I haven't been posting more, but my attention has been turned so far inward lately that I have had little of interest to offer anyone, unless you are charmed by self-analysis mixed with serious mood swings.

I am perplexed by the level of unhappiness I am experiencing, because "on paper," my life is amazingly full. I should be on cloud nine given all the good things in my life, not the least of which are the rapid expansion of my responsibilities related to my favorite civil rights organization, recent work successes, my wonderful and supportive friends and the ability to indulge my beloved baseball and travel passions on a not infrequent basis. So why will I not permit myself to feel happiness, even taking action or inaction that seems destined to ensure my unhappiness?

This weekend, I read a book called "Living a Life that Matters" by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. After being immersed in his introductory chapters and their focus on integrity and the need to live a life that matches "who we are," I found myself skimming the passages about the Bible. I haven't completely given up on the idea of God, but the Bible does not feel to me like the place where either God or the key to unlocking this existential crisis may be found. I quickly realized that I do not need a book to know that the legacy I am creating right now is not the one I want to leave behind.

Sadly, it seemed as if I stumbled upon an epiphany--at least a partial one--while watching an old episode of my beloved Sex and the City series, in which Carrie accuses Miranda of being so judgmental that she simply cuts out of her life the people who disappoint her. It doesn't take a television critic to see that Miranda imposes those same exacting standards on herself, serving as her own worst critic. Surely, my life would be lighter and happier if I could loosen up, both on others and myself. I believe I have done that to some extent in recent months, but certainly not enough. I feel haunted and overwhelmed by the number of broken or simply faded relationships with family, friends and others who matter to me. The prospect of rebuilding those bridges is a daunting one, even if it is possible to do so, which I am not sure is the case.

Last night I caught up with my friend J. who, upon hearing a few anecdotes from my life over the last few weeks, insisted that I immediately make three (not just one--three) appointments over the next week with a trusted advisor who has helped me in the past. This may have scared me more than anything else that has happened recently, but it also gave me hope that J. thinks there is help to be found. I need to hope for that, too, as the foregoing clearly indicates that this is bigger than me.

Just musing . . .

Another exciting Sunday . . . photos of dogs and a master bathroom

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Cool video.

This video explains the anatomy of a home run, from a physics perspective:



Via Susan at "Kiss My Big Blue Butt," a lady in the true style of Ann Richards, Molly Ivins and those who love them.

Zoo Visit!

More pictures here.

Things I miss about home

1. corn fields stretching as far as the eye can see
2. quiet, cool basements
3. nice Midwestern people with funny accents
   
4. a slower pace, a simpler life
5. knowing the back roads like the back of my hand
6. spending time with people who have known me for my entire life
7. being able to identify which family lived in every house on my street
8. exploring out of sight corners of my little town
9. the old library that was my home away from home
10. Tastee Treet soft-serve ice cream cones

It probably isn't a sign of success

when a person drives home from work on a Friday night, tears streaming down her face, because she cannot think of a way to kill herself that will not endanger her dogs or cause others to experience pain.

Past that now. But desperate to find some way to be happy. Sooner rather than later.

Happy Fourth of July!

I am feeling a bit wordless at the moment, so I'll leave you with these quick thoughts:

Here is a funny little combination of patriotism and baseball.

You've got to love Josh Marshall's quote, "Paris Hilton did more time than Scooter Libby." Do you feel grateful on this most patriotic of national holidays for the freedom of privileged white men, especially those who perjure themselves, in light of Scooter Libby's commutation of his prison sentence and, possibly, of his supervised release as well?

Have you noticed that the Chicago Cubs have now won 9 of their last 10 games? Go, Cubs!

Happy 11th Birthday, my little Kip!

Searching one's soul

Something happened last night that caused me to slow down and think. I can't talk about the specifics, but they probably are not that important anyway.

What is important is that before searching my soul, I had to locate it. I have never felt more out of touch with who I really am. I have never felt more out of control of my life. I have never felt more strongly that I must stop doing things that sabotage my effectiveness, happiness and well-being. Unbelievably, one aspect of last night's situation--running unexpectedly and improbably into an old friend who helped to make it so much better than it otherwise would have been--even made me seriously rethink my agnosticism. Miracles certainly will never cease.

I am not writing this so you all, kind-hearted people you are, can tell me not to be so hard on myself. In fact, I agree with you. One way to be less hard on myself is to stop doing things, or not doing things, that directly cause my life to be harder.

I spent all of today sleeping, thinking and freshening the one bit of the world I felt I had control over today: my bedroom/bathroom. I feel the need to slow down and do one thing at a time, think carefully and be true to myself. I will try very hard to do that during the busy work week, which is much harder than on a lazy, rainy Sunday.



Flower at Seattle's Volunteer Park Conservatory, by me, June 2007.

Oddities

I learned tonight that the reason my "Love Actually" CD won't play in my car is that I had the soundtrack and movie discs mixed up--I've been trying to play a movie in the car's CD player.

Friday night, I attending the Ben Folds/John Mayer concert with a friend (she procured our tickets from what turned out to be a 15 year old John Mayer Fan Club member whose grandmother drove him to the ticket/money exchange point, a Barnes and Noble). The combination of our semi-late arrival (near the end of Ben Folds' warmup act), Shiner Bock beer drinking, swooning over JM and blaring of a John Mayer CD in my top-down car while waiting for parking lot traffic to clear out afterward all added up to me feeling about 20 years younger. I'll let you decide if that was a good thing or not. It felt good to me!

As did the Cubs' sweep of the Chicago White Sox this weekend. Always a good thing!

In sad baseball news, Rod Beck, who is a part of Cubs pitching lore, died this weekend at age 38. I last saw him when he threw out the first pitch and sang "Take me out to the ballgame" at the Cubs/Giants game on my birthday last year. His untimely death is sad, as he was by all accounts not just a great baseball player, but also a great human being.



Downtown Dallas Sky, Last week, by Me

Sorry, I forgot to tell you.

In addition to fulfilling the duties of my full-time job and my civil rights volunteer work, this week I am very busy with a second job of attending Chicago Cubs baseball games. Yes, the Cubs are playing in Dallas, for the first time ever!

And I have had a glimpse of what my life would be like if I lived in Chicago and attended a Cubs game each and every day they were in town. Except that in Chicago I could take public transportation to the very handy ballpark, while in Dallas, I have to allow at least an hour to travel to the game via a soul-sucking, packed and slow highway.

My dinner for two nights running has consisted of a hot dog and peanuts. So far, the Cubs have won one game and lost the other, and I witnessed history last night when Sammy Sosa hit his 600th home run.

The third and final game is this afternoon. I have a million and two pictures to post for you, of the Cubs and Seattle and even going back to my May trip to New York. Soon, my friends, soon!

Seattle Skyline, From Boat

Mount Rainier, from Airplane

Loving Seattle so far . . . more words and pictures soon!

Freddie Visits Per Se

I am enjoying playing with my new Adobe Photoshop program. This is an example of the "watercolor" function.

Soon I will have a link ready so you can see other photos from my May trip to New York. I figured it was about time, as I leave this week for another trip, this one to Seattle.

Until then, check out Nina's fabulous pictures and excellent writing about Norway. (Via Althouse)

Panic

Tonight I am experiencing a full-blown case of panic. It is a non-specific panic, so I do not know the exact cause of it. I'm going to lean on my experience, which tells me things always look better in the morning. Here's hoping it is true!

A Reminder

I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately, mostly due to the aforementioned malaise that prevented me from accomplishing much over the last few weeks. But some nice things have happened recently. They serve as small but powerful reminders of why I do what I do.

Perhaps my favorite was last week, when a client for whom I fought long and hard in an intense business dispute, ultimately obtaining a very favorable result, called to tell me he has sold his business. It was bittersweet news: this was his family's business and the only career he has ever known. This client is among the nicest I have ever known . . . he is both kind-hearted and an excellent businessman, and unusual combination. Anyway, I was touched that he called and pleased have the chance to talk it over with him.

Today, a different client honored me with an invitation to a very small gathering of the primary lawyers his company uses nationwide. I won't go into it in detail here, but suffice it to say that his decision to include me is both professionally and personally meaningful to me, and I am proud.

The point of this post isn't to brag about myself . . . far from it. Rather, I wanted to acknowledge that no state of being is forever, that circumstances are forever changing and that there is always a chance for things to get better. You just never know what will be around that bend in the road.