Oh, how time flies!

For those of you who have been so kind as to take a few moments to read my blog from time to time, I apologize for being absent without explanation. There are a variety of reasons for my not posting, one of which is the amount of time spent in my new romance with Facebook. I have really, really loved finding out what happened to so many people I haven't seen for a really long time. With me moving away from home after high school it has been particularly nice getting back in touch with childhood friends I had completely lost touch with so many years ago. Facebook doesn't replace this blog for me, though, as it is almost exactly the flip side of the blog--while Facebook is totally public and encompasses a wide array of friends, this blog is totally anonymous and allows me to dig a little deeper without fear of offending.

The other thing is that I have been thinking a lot about the "life issues" I have ruminated about here for years, but had nothing new to write about that and was worried you might poke your eyes out with sticks if I wrote about my career angst yet again. The only new twist in my mental wrestling match is that I was considering whether I want to have a child, but I realized that I simply have no business taking charge of a child's life when I am so clueless about my own. That doesn't mean that it won't happen--just that it can't happen right now.

So, I thought I would share with you some of the things I've been up to while I've been gone. I'm trying to figure out a more efficient way to post photos here now that I've switched to a Mac and Aperture, so stay tuned! And please catch me up on what you've been doing--I've missed you!

Today, it finally sunk in

that I am in love with someone who does not love me. I have known this for a while, but did not acknowledge it until now. I need to change the way I think about things and reach out for new experiences, on my own. Things happen for a reason, and I'm not going to permit myself to feel sad about this for very long. I needed to write it here to make it real and remind myself of this promise.

Long time no post . . .

Hello, all,

Happy New Year! As you know, I have been wishing for change for a while, but not doing a lot about it. I realized that little daily things are what bring about change, not some lightning bolt from above. So this will be the year of doing things differently, and doing new things.

Here are some of the new things I've done so far:

(1) Visited a new country--Guatemala, from 12/31 to 1/8
(2) Visited Jimmy's Food Store, a wonderful neighborhood treasure with delicious Italian sandwiches--1/10

I will continue to update the list.

What will you do this year?

Lisa

Yesterday

Yesterday was December 15th, and I realized this morning that this marked the tenth anniversary of my father's death. This is the first time in ten years that I did not remember the anniversary on the anniversary. I teared up while thinking about that, and thinking about my Dad.

Certain moments in life are burned precisely into my memory, and this is one of them. I was puttering around the little bungalow house I rented when I first moved to Dallas, finishing up my Christmas cards and chatting on the phone with a friend of mine from law school. My call waiting beeped and after clicking over, I learned it was my brother. I told my friend he sounded upset and that I needed to go, then curled up on my dark green-cushioned pappasan chair to talk with him. And then my brother told me that my Dad had not been heard from in a few days, and had missed an appointment with a friend, and that they had found him dead in his house. I cried, out of shock and grief and regret and horror, at what my little brother had just encountered.

I was 29 years old and ill-equipped to deal with such a loss, though I realize more mature people than me have done so, and far more gracefully. That night, my friend who was my assistant at the firm spent the night on my couch so I would not be alone. The next six months are literally a fog in my memory, a time in which I couldn't see more than a few inches into the future and had a hard time even identifying the faces around me. I remember feeling like I was walking around with my tender inner self exposed for all the world to see.

The ten years since that day have included some of the other lowest times of my life. There was the fire at that house that nearly took Kip's life and destroyed many of the items I had just brought back after emptying my father's home. There were difficult work situations that remain undiscussed even with the closest of my friends. My little brother will not speak to me, for reasons I do not understand. I have ended certain friendships abruptly when they caused the least bit of angst. And, easiest to see, is the sixty pounds of weight gain which I wear today like a billboard, a billboard that announces that I don't think much of myself, and that you shouldn't think much of me, either.

I am my father's daughter. After his death, I found tucked in a book, written in his distinctive handwriting, a list of what he called "Points - negative - need to work on." Every item on the list is one I could have written about myself. At the top of that list is "temper", which is appropriate because I have spent the last ten years flashing at anyone unlucky enough to cross my path the anger and resentment of a little girl who lost her daddy and is determined to make someone pay for that loss.

Today, I choose to put that anger and resentment aside. Our time here is finite--my friend F's recent unexpected death served as yet another vivid reminder of that fact. While some who know me might say that I am already a person who seizes life because I freely indulge my interest in travel, photography, baseball and the like, I know I haven't been brave when it comes to the important things. I know I have permitted myself to wallow in grief and anger and that it has held me back, from small things like the infectious laughter for which I was once known to big things like the mark I want to leave in the world, and whether I want to be a parent. That changes today, and I'm writing about it here to hold myself accountable for living the kind of life my father wanted for me, and that I want for me.

A favorite photo of my Dad:

I give thanks.

I am thankful to be alive, with the mental, physical and other means to make choices for myself.

I am thankful for loved ones.



I am thankful for the opportunity to travel and see beautiful sights and interesting people.



I am thankful for all of you, my internet friends.

Wishing you a Thanksgiving filled with joy, gratitude and, of course, hope.

The effect we have on those we meet . . .

I was reminded today, yet again, of how powerful an effect we can have on those we meet, no matter how briefly. On Friday night, I ran through the Oklahoma City "International" Airport, desperate to catch the last flight back to Dallas. Arriving at my gate just in time for the scheduled flight, but early for the now-delayed flight, I paused to catch my breath. A full-blown asthma attack ensued and a young woman kindly offered me a cough drop, which did help me feel better, as well as less noisy.

The young woman's kindness reminded me of someone I met at that very gate a few years back, also on a busy Friday night at the airport. My flight was seriously delayed that night, and I found myself seated in the gate area near a guy about my age, with yellow hair, a twinkle in his eye and some of the most noticeable Southwestern jewelry I have ever seen on a man. His name was "F" and he was a motivational speaker from rural New Mexico. Before our plane took off, I learned about his family ranch and the gnomes he used to torment his mother and how excited he was about the house he was buying in the big city of Albuquerque. We exchanged contact information and I made a note to myself to look F up the next time I was in New Mexico, because his enthusiasm for life was so contagious that I wanted to be exposed to it again. (This was the same trip to Oklahoma City in which I had the epiphany in which I realized how unhappy I was with my life and in which I vowed to work toward changes that would bring the peace and satisfaction I sought.)

F and I exchanged a few emails afterward, and from time to time I would think of him and wonder what new project he was tackling, drawing upon what I remembered of his passion for life to try to ignite my own. When a friend convinced me to join Facebook this year, I was pleased to find not only that Frank was on Facebook, but that he had moved to Dallas. We became Facebook "friends" and I meant to ask him to coffee one day, but had not yet taken the time to do that.

Tonight, I logged onto Facebook and was shocked to see a link to a photo captioned, "R.I.P., F", apparently posted by one of his friends. I have now pieced together that F and his dear friend M, a married mother of two young children, had gone back to Albuquerque to finish moving the last of Frank's things to Dallas. They both died on Friday from carbon monoxide poisoning due to a malfunctioning heater in the house where they stayed. The number and nature of the posts left this weekend on F's Facebook page by the many loved ones and friends he leaves behind attest to the accuracy of my assessment that he was an incredibly special person.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while may know or have guessed that I am not a very religious person. Writing through these unexpected tears tonight, I have to say it is just this type of completely senseless event that makes me ever more sure that there certainly cannot be any sort of divine intervention in the world, because a world without that fine person in it is not nearly the world it was before. I don't understand this, not one bit. I did not know F well at all, but knowing that he was out there, knowing that his kind of spirit was swirling around not very far away, meant something to me. I'm not doing a good job of explaining it here, but trying to explain it helps just a little.

What I wanted to say when I began writing is that the effect F had on me reminded me of how powerful an effect we can have on the people we meet. I do not fool myself into thinking I will have a lasting effect on any of the great institutions that change people's lives, as it does not appear that a seat on the U.S. Supreme Court or anything like it is in the cards for me. But I want to live my life in such a way as to have a positive, rather than negative, effect on the days of those I meet.

Here is a younger F, with his friend M:

The kindness of strangers . . .

Last weekend, I went to my college homecoming. As so often happens, a trip I wasn't sure I wanted to make turned out to be really wonderful. Here's one thing that happened:

A friend and I stopped by the campus bookstore, where I found a backpack I really loved. I wasn't sure it would fit my laptop, and inquired about the return policy. The shopkeeper said if he rung up the purchase, I would only be able to get store credit if I returned the backpack. So he suggested an alternative: that I take the pack without paying for it, and either return it or pay for it the next day. Mind you, this man had never met me before. I insisted that he take my business card so he would have a record of who took the pack. It actually fit my laptop and camera perfectly and returned the next day to pay for it.

I was really touched by the level of trust displayed by this storekeeper. My college is in a fairly small town, but not that small. The faith the storekeeper showed was simple and sweet and beautiful.

Tonight.

As a little girl, I loved the night before Christmas almost more than Christmas Day. I would sneak out to the living room, curl up under the glow of the twinkling lights on our tree, inhale the piney scent and dream of what the next day would bring. On Christmas Eve, if felt as if all was right in the world, or was about to be.

Tonight feels like the best Christmas Eve I have experienced in my life. I have supported Barack Obama for more than a year now, and he has shared with me the privilege of being a part of his historic campaign for the Presidency. Because of Senator Obama, I saw the glint in the eye of a New Hampshire primary voter who loved talking with a Texan about the issues that matter to him. Because of Senator Obama, I experienced the satisfaction of recruiting more than a hundred precinct captains in Dallas, Texas--that (former) bastion of Republicanism. Because of Senator Obama, I have met some of the most talented and dedicated and passionate volunteers I have seen, or may ever see, in my lifetime.

Because of Senator Obama, I had tears in my eyes last summer while watching little African-American boys splash in a pool on a hot Virginia day. Why the tears? I was dreaming of the day soon to come when they will see a man in the White House who looks just like them, and know that they, too, could be there one day.

Our work is not yet finished. But please pause tonight to savor this. This work has been valuable. We are about to taste the fruits of it. But hasn't the journey been splendid as well?

To tomorrow . . . and hope . . . and change . . . and to us all.



And now, on November 4, 2008, here's to President-Elect Obama: nicely done, sir.

Hertz has the biggest cojones ever!

I reserved a mid-size car to pick up in Wisconsin and return tomorrow to Minneapolis. So I was surprised when they told me at the rental counter that I would instead be driving a gas-guzzling jeep SUV for hundreds of miles. When I asked why, the very honest counter guy said, "Because we need to get this Jeep to Minneapolis." I asked if Hertz would be buying the additional gas I would burn in exchange for me doing this favor for the company, and he looked at me as if I was crazy and changed his story to this being the only car they had. Seeing ten sets of keys hung up on the wall behind him, I asked for a manager and with head-spinning speed, found myself with a different car to drive without even having to speak to the manager.

The nerve!

UPDATE: Welcome to the 10 Hertz Corporation visitors from Oklahoma City who have reviewed this blog posting without comment or apology (yes, I have a Site Meter and am capable of reading it)! If you are wondering how the rental was, please see above. Also, the car I was provided was filthy, with mud stains and dirt all over the driver's side carpet and the inside of the driver's side door. Because I was already late after having to haggle to get the car I had reserved, and because I only discovered this after lugging all my stuff out to the parking lot, I just took the car as it was. But given the premium a person pays to rent from Hertz, I believe the cars should be pristine and the service impeccable. I got neither.

Ah, those great Americans . . .

Making calls for Barack Obama to Florida tonight, I stumbled into this exchange:

Me: Hi, is Cindy home, please?
Male: Who's calling?
Me: This is Lisa, a volunteer with the Barack Obama Campaign for Change
Male: Brock who?
Me: Barack Obama
Male: That Black guy? [Laughing, he slams down the phone.]

I know it takes all kinds, but it depresses me to know these people share my citizenship.

In this economy . . .

why wouldn't you dress Caribou Barbie in a $150,000 wardrobe?

Via Politico.com

I realize this is a small problem in the grand scheme of things . . .

but I find it highly annoying that the person who cleans my house ate 1/2 the leftovers I was counting on for dinner and randomly unplugged wires related to my internet access, causing me to lose an hour of my limited evening free time trying to figure out why it wasn't working and getting it reconnected. WHAT WOULD A PERSON DISCONNECT WIRES THAT ARE MINDING THEIR OWN BUSINESS IN THE CORNER????!

Yes, it's a new layout.

I was tres bored with the old one. Hope you like it!

This is totally awesome.

Watch it!

I am tiring of the struggle.

I don't know how to get out of this rut I have fallen into. It feels like I'm about to embark upon a series of goodbyes . . . my grandmother's boyfriend, who is like my last living grandparent, my beloved dog Kip. Neither of these is imminent, but I can feel them coming and I deeply dread these losses.

Perhaps even more imminent, if less deeply emotional, is some sort of decision about my job. I am so incredibly bored that it is all I can do to get there by Noon each day. This results in me staying until Midnight and that isn't any recipe for having a life. I am having a very hard time focusing and it is hard to see an end in sight.

If it wasn't for my dogs, I think I would quit my job and head overseas somewhere to figure out what it is that I want and need. I know shouldn't use the dogs as an excuse . . . there is no reason one has to find oneself in Europe, to be sure. Here's the truth: I'm just afraid. To quote Freddy Rumsen from my beloved "Mad Men," "Without this job to go to every day, who am I?"

It's odd: between Facebook and other random events, lots of people from my past have been coming back into my life lately. I'm not sure why this is, but it is so prevalent as to seem not very coincidental. I don't know what this means, but hope it will become clear sometime soon. I have actually been a little afraid that it is the equivalent of a person's life flashing before her eyes just before it ends.

I needed to write this here, tonight. The tears I shed while typing provided catharsis.

A really great man died this week.

He was from Dallas. I think it's important to mention that, because sometimes I disparage Dallas here. Who would have thought that one of this country's greatest patriots and civil libertarians would be born here?

His name was Barefoot Sanders. The New York Times obit has many details that will interest you, but the one I always knew, from the moment I moved to this city, was that Judge Sanders spent years of his life working to make the Dallas public schools serve the needs of all students, not just the white ones.

Mazel tov, Judge.

This blog has not been abandoned.

But its owner is in Indianapolis, for a work trip and visit with friends. Will write again soon!

I will confess

that I was a little worried about Sarah Palin. But then I saw this video:



There is a reason this segment of her interview aired on September 11th. It is a total disaster! I had to watch a few times to be sure this wasn't a spoof video, like the one I link below. Most significantly, McCain wants to put someone a heartbeat away from the presidency who doesn't know what the "Bush Doctrine" is.

Good lord.

Leaked Sarah Palin video!

Right here:



Courtesy of Mandy Stadtmiller's site, staring Sara Benincasa.

So, you're still single?

I recently joined Facebook after what felt like years of pressure from my friend S (but probably was only months of pressure). While the site has been exactly the time suck I expected, it has also brought me in touch with long-lost friends I may never have otherwise stumbled upon, and that has been nice.

One of those newly back-in-touch friends is a guy from home who I dated the summer before leaving for college. We exchanged a few emails in the course of catching up and all was well until he asked this question: "So, you're still single?" I felt completely tongue-tied. It does show I'm single on my Facebook page, so I wasn't sure if he was just double-checking, or wondering if that means I'm not married, but dating someone, or if he was really asking why I'm still single or if I'm single now, but am divorced or widowed. I think it's most likely that he was just asking and didn't notice it on my profile, so I answered simply and with a joke. But I'm a little embarrassed that this was such a difficult question for me! Weird.